FAML 120: Emotion Coaching Terrible Teens

Terrible twos... or terrible teens. How often have we asked if there is any difference between the two ages? At both stages, these children are attempting to navigate a lot of changes. 

One thing that we often note is how emotional teenagers can be. While it may be true, there are certain ways that we can help our children understand the emotions they are experiencing. This is called emotion coaching. 

Let's watch this video by the CDC (2023) on Emotion Coaching with Teens.

https://youtu.be/zs6RqUIuEVU

After watching that video, we now know that there are several steps to follow in order to approach an emotional teenager. Let's go through them. 

The first thing that was noted, was that we need to make sure that we can approach the situation where we will not be interrupted. Our undivided attention will help the teenager feel heard.

The next thing that we as parents need to do, is observe our child. What are their facial expressions? What is their body language telling us? This will be key in helping you as the parent have an idea of how the conversation will go. 

After we ask the child with an observational statement, like the video, we listen to the response with empathy and find a way to relate. 

"Our goal is to help them become aware of their emotions" (CDC, 2023).

And finally, remember to only offer solutions if the child wants to hear them. You can offer if they would like solutions, or if there is something else they need to feel understood and supported by you. 

I'll finish off with this last phrase from Doherty (2013), "...your attitudes are always determined by something outside yourself. You have no choice in the matter and no control over them...". Hopefully with this in mind, it will help you realize that the same thing is happening to your teenager, and can move forward with helping them recognize and understand it. 

References

Coaching Teens to Recognize and Manage Emotions | Essentials for Parenting Teens | CDC. (2023, February 21). Www.cdc.gov. https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/teens/coaching-emotions.html

Doherty, W. J. (2013). Take Back Your Kids: How to Teach and Get Respect.

FAMIL120: Parenting Style vs Age

Children do not stay the same age. They grow quick as weeds and are just as smart at learning where the best space is to grow. If our children are in a constant state of development, then shouldn't our parenting be ever-evolving along with them?

Now we have all heard the argument from the oldest child that the youngest child has a set of parents that were not very similar to the ones that she had when growing up. While this is a valid observation of the older child, it also seems right to alter the parenting along with the child, right?

Steinberg (2005) starts the chapter about this very thing by saying "...basic principles of good parenting stay the same throughout childhood and adolescence...". So we know that there must be several basics that we can establish for all of the children in the home. But then the question is... what? What are those things?

On the UCLA website, they include some information that might give us a good baseline standard. "...when parents are warm, respectful, and supportive and hold consistent, firm, and rational expectations for behavior, adolescents are less likely to suffer from anxiety or depression or to abuse drugs or alcohol than their peers...". Well, I'm sure we can all say that we would like our children to not have to worry about anxiety or depression. So let us set our baseline for our interactions to be filled with support and love, and that we hold expectations that are reasonable for our children to reach. 

Great. So now we have a baseline. What comes next?

The next thing to be mindful of is our children are developing at a rapid pace, and they are going through changes that, while we went through it too, don't remember. Therefore, we have to be mindful of that development. This includes paying attention to our children as they change, and it means educating ourselves through articles and books that help us help them. By doing this, we will be constantly evolving and changing along with our children. 

References

Steinberg, L. D. (2005). Principle 4. In The ten basic principles of good parenting. chapter, Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.

UCLA. (n.d.). What the science tells us about parenting an adolescent. What the Science Tells Us About Parenting an Adolescent | Center for the Developing Adolescent. https://developingadolescent.semel.ucla.edu/topics/item/science-about-parenting-adolescent#:~:text=Research%20into%20parenting%20styles%20has,parents%20lack%20either%20warmth%20or

FAML 120: Praise

 

"That was perfect" "I'm so proud" "Your painting is the most beautiful I've ever seen" "You are excellent"

What do all of these phrases have in common? They're praise. 

Probably praise that we have all received and/or given at one time or another. But did you know that without specific construction to the praise that we give, it can have a negative effect?

Who would have thought that someone complimenting us after a game of soccer that we did perfectly could have a harmful effect? But Pocock (2017), compiled information from several sources that would indicate just that. In fact, they gave the following example:

“Tom, how much is eight times seven? … Right. Jane, nine times six? … Okay. Bill, do you know how much is two times two? … Good, Bill! That’s exactly right! Nancy, how much is nine times eight? … Right.” (Pocock, 2017).

The main point here is that one student is getting additional praise for solving an easier problem than his other classmates. While it is important to acknowledge any person's efforts, the difficulty comes from the over-achieving praise. 

When discussing some of the possible negative effects of praise, Barish (2023) found that it "increased anxiety and ultimately undermine their initiative and confidence."

So what are our options for acknowledging the things our children do right? Our focus should be encouraging the child to continue to put forth effort into doing the best they can, not to be perfect at everything. With this in mind, we should steer away from "praising children’s abilities, rather than their effort (Barish, 2023). 

Here are some examples:

You studied hard on your driver's book, and now you've passed the exam! I am happy to see your success.

Your soccer kicks show you put a lot of effort into getting the ball into the net!

What a beautiful drawing, you must have put a lot of time into it!

Now go back and review the examples at the beginning of this post, and I'll bet you'll see a difference. 

References

Barish, K. (2023, February 6). Are our children overpraised?. Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/are-our-children-overpraised/#:~:text=It%20has%20become%20common%20in,undermine%20their%20initiative%20and%20confidence.

Pocock, J. (2017, February 22). Are we spoiling our kids with too much praise? - JSTOR DAILY. https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-much-praise/